“I feel like a nursing mother,” I said to my happiness coach.
“Interesting,” she said. “Can you tell me more about that?”
Let me try.
I wake in the middle of the night, again and again
and offer milk to the universe,
to my own new,
completely unrecognizable self.
This baby I rock in the middle of the night,
This body that has stopped bleeding,
This feeling of insanity… and deep love
Deep, deep love.
The 7am feeding: my alarm…
11am: my assistant
2pm: my husband
5pm: an email from a client
So much love.
Deep, deep love.
Giving of myself to this life, to the miracle I marvel at day after day.
Who else but a nursing mother would vomit her stomach up, again and again for 6 full hours, and be back on the job the next day?
Who else would go to bed when her little one does ~ 9pm. 9pm?!! Are you freaking kidding me?
But I have surrendered, like a mother, and learned ~ humble now and low to the ground ~ that this is the only way to salvage my sanity.
“I know why women scream in their orgasms,” I thought to myself.
(But I didn’t tell my happiness coach.)
The universe has given me everything I ever wanted ~ a life filled with goodness, the most amazing tender lover, a home surrounded by trees, clients I cherish, daily work that is fulfilling beyond imagining, support, assistants, new projects I am ready for, so many opportunities.
My baby is here.
Can I open fast enough?
Can I allow it all in?
Universe ~ are you f*#@!ing my brains out? Are you giving me more love than I can possibly stand, so I melt into you, totally?
Are you turning my cells to goo, like a phase 2 butterfly ~ wings already open, now being asked to open even more?
“I can’t do it!” My body screams.
“Stop!”
But you don’t stop.
No wonder I scream. No wonder I am in awe.
These diapers, this milk, these cracked nipples, these raging hormones that are my body loving life.
I am here for you universe.
I will scream my prayers, scream my orgasm because I love you.
I love you and all of it.
And I will fight for you,
fight for me,
fight to live an extraordinary life,
fight to surrender to the mystery that is the sound of my dreams coming true.
My dreams taking form in flesh, bodies, diapers, soft skin, milk.
I scream my orgasm of love to the universe, to the stars.
The stars make love back, twinkling their joy, twinkling their peace.
“I know the power of a woman,” I thought to myself.
(And I want to share it with you.)
A woman is a powerful force to reckon with.
The darkness, the quiet of menstruation.
The sweetness of desire.
The fullness of pregnancy.
The passion of Motherhood.
The fierce love of mothering.
No more bleeding now, no more darkness, no more pregnancy,
Yin and yang no longer separated by a moon’s time.
~ all of it one blended, radiant love fest.
How can I sleep, when a lion of love roars inside of me?
This heat waking me in the middle of the night not a hot flash,
not a power surge,
but a love surge.
Far beyond happiness and unhappiness,
Sanity and insanity,
is the passion of full realization
opening, opening
loving fiercely,
loving tenderly,
loving without end.
~ Yogeshwari Laura Cornell
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